If you're caring for both your aging parents and your own children—caught in what many call the "sandwich generation"—you're juggling more than most. You're managing school pickups, paying your mortgage, helping your kids with homework, AND worried about whether your parents are financially protected if something happens to them. It's exhausting. But here's what keeps many adult children up at night: not knowing if their parents have the right protection in place.
Most adult children never ask their parents about their estate plan. And when they do, they're shocked to discover that their parents either have nothing in place, or worse—they have outdated or incomplete planning that won't actually protect what matters most.
The problem? Many parents think that having a will or a basic trust is enough. They're wrong. And this misconception could cost your family tens of thousands of dollars in taxes, legal fees, nursing home costs, and heartache.
Why This Conversation Is Even More Urgent Than You Think
The Reality: Tom and Susan, a retired couple we worked with, had a perfectly good will that directed everything to their three children. But then Susan had a stroke at age 72. She spent three years in assisted living and a nursing home while recovering. The care cost $180,000 per year.
Within five years, nearly everything they'd worked for their entire lives—$650,000 in savings and their home equity—was gone. Their will couldn't help. Their trust couldn't help. Because there was no elder law planning in place, Susan's medical crisis became a financial catastrophe for the entire family.
This isn't a rare story. It happens thousands of times every year to families just like yours.
The uncomfortable truth is this: having an estate plan and having protection are two different things. A will tells people what to do when your parents pass away. But what protects your parents if they're still alive and need nursing home care? What protects your mom if she has dementia? What saves your dad's home if he needs assisted living for years?
That's where most families get blindsided. And that's why this conversation with your parents needs to happen now—not next year, not when there's a health crisis.
The Two-Part Planning Problem Most Parents Don't Understand
Part 1: Estate Planning – Handling What Happens When They Pass Away
Estate planning is about control, clarity, and peace of mind after death. It includes your parents' will, trust, medical directives, and powers of attorney. Think of it like an instruction manual for what happens to their money, property, and medical decisions when they can no longer make those decisions themselves.
Here's what most people get wrong: they think a will is enough. It's not. A will doesn't avoid probate. A will doesn't minimize taxes. A will doesn't protect inheritances from your kids' creditors or if they get divorced. A will is just the beginning.
Key Point: A will requires probate in most cases, which means court involvement, delays, legal fees, and public record exposure. A properly structured trust, by contrast, keeps everything private, avoids probate, saves on attorney fees, and lets your family avoid unnecessary taxes.
Part 2: Elder Law Planning – Protecting Your Parents While They're Still Alive
This is the part almost nobody talks about. Elder law planning is specifically designed to protect your parents' home and life savings from the catastrophic costs of long-term care—nursing homes, assisted living, in-home care, memory care facilities.
Here's the shocking part: your parents' will or trust does absolutely nothing to protect them from these costs. A trust can help avoid probate and save on taxes, but it won't save your mom's home if she needs five years of nursing home care at over $100,000 per year.
The Numbers That Should Scare You: The average cost of nursing home care in the United States is $108,405 per year. Memory care? $110,000 per year. Assisted living? $58,000 per year. In many parts of the country, these numbers are significantly higher. A person who needs care for just three years could spend $300,000-$330,000 just on facility costs—and that's before medical expenses, medications, and other costs.
When families haven't done elder law planning, the government steps in. Medicaid becomes the payer of last resort. But before Medicaid kicks in, your parents have to spend down almost everything they own—their home, their life savings, everything. The nursing home gets paid first. What's left goes to Medicaid. And your parents' kids? They inherit medical debt and depleted family resources.
But here's the good news: this doesn't have to happen. With proper elder law planning, families can protect their home and savings while still qualifying for Medicaid or other benefits. There are sophisticated, legal strategies that have protected thousands of families' homes and inheritances. But you have to plan ahead. You can't wait until the crisis happens.
The Conversation Starter: Seven Critical Things You Need to Know About Your Parents' Planning
Having the money conversation with your aging parents is uncomfortable. We get it. But not having it is even worse. Here's what you need to find out—and how to ask without making it awkward.
1. Do They Have a Will or Trust? And Is It Current?
This is the obvious starting question. But here's what people often miss: when was it created? If your parents had a will or trust created 10, 15, or 20 years ago, it's probably outdated. Tax laws change. Family situations change. Property values change.
You don't need to read the entire document. But you do need to know:
Does a will or trust exist?
When was it created?
Who did they name as the executor or trustee?
Where is the original document stored?
Have there been any major life changes since it was created (remarriage, new grandchildren, significant changes in assets)?
2. Do They Have Medical Directives and Powers of Attorney?
This is about control while they're still alive. A living will (also called an advance directive) tells doctors what your parents want if they can't communicate. A medical power of attorney names someone to make medical decisions on their behalf.
Even more important: do these documents exist, and have your parents actually talked to the person they named? Many people name someone without ever having a real conversation about what they actually want. This leads to family conflict and wrong decisions at the worst possible time.
3. Do They Have a Financial Power of Attorney?
This document lets someone manage your parents' finances if they become incapacitated. Without it, if your mom has a stroke and can't sign her name, nobody can access her bank accounts to pay her bills, her mortgage, her medical expenses. Not even her spouse. Not even her kids. You'd need a court order.
A financial power of attorney means someone can step in immediately and manage things without delay, court involvement, or legal fees.
4. Do They Have a Comprehensive List of All Their Assets and Accounts?
This is where many families are completely lost. When a parent dies or becomes incapacitated, their kids often don't know where everything is. Bank accounts in three different states. Investment accounts. Retirement accounts. Safe deposit boxes. Insurance policies. It's like a treasure hunt, except you're the one paying the treasure hunters (attorneys and accountants) to find things.
Your parents should have a simple list that includes:
Checking and savings accounts (bank names and account numbers);
Investment and brokerage accounts;
Retirement accounts (IRAs, 401k plans, pensions);
Life insurance policies;
Real estate holdings (address and title information);
Safe deposit boxes (location and what's inside);
Key contact people at each institution.
5. Do They Have Protection Against Long-Term Care Costs?
This is the question that separates families who are protected from families who get wiped out. Do your parents have a plan to protect their home and savings if one or both of them need nursing home care, assisted living, or in-home care?
If they say "we have good Medicare coverage" or "we have health insurance," they're not protected. Medicare and health insurance don't pay for long-term care. That's on them—and that can mean losing everything.
6. Do They Have Life Insurance and Long-Term Care Insurance?
Depending on their age and health, these might make sense. But many people either have too much, too little, or the wrong type. A professional review can help determine what's appropriate.
7. Who Knows Where to Find Everything?
This is critical. If something happens to your parents tomorrow, would you even know where to start? Would you know which attorney did their planning? Where the original documents are? How to access their accounts?
Your parents should tell at least one trusted family member exactly where everything is. Many families keep a simple binder or folder with all the key information in one place.
The Elder Law Piece: Why a Will or Trust Isn't Enough
Another Example: Margaret, age 68, had a trust set up years ago. The trust was going to avoid probate and save on taxes. Perfect—or so she thought. Then at age 71, Margaret had a fall that led to complications. She needed nursing home care. The facility cost $95,000 per year. After three years, the nursing home had consumed nearly $285,000 of her savings. Her trust never protected a penny of it. Her daughter watched helplessly as the life savings Margaret had worked 40 years to build vanished to pay for care. Margaret's trust was excellent for avoiding probate and saving on taxes. But it did nothing to protect her from long-term care costs. That required different planning altogether.
Here's what many people don't realize: estate planning and elder law planning are different legal specialties. They work together, but they serve different purposes.
Estate planning protects your parents' wishes and their family's inheritance when they pass away. It minimizes taxes, avoids probate, and keeps things private.
Elder law planning protects your parents' home and life savings while they're still alive if they need long-term care. It involves sophisticated strategies that allow your parents to qualify for Medicaid or other assistance while preserving assets and the family home.
Smart families have both. They have a solid trust-based estate plan. AND they have elder law protection in place. That way, they're protected no matter what happens—whether it's a health crisis requiring long-term care, or passing away and leaving a protected legacy to their children.
What Happens If Your Parents Don't Have This Planning?
The consequences can be severe.
Probate Chaos: Everything goes through public court proceedings. Legal fees add up. Delays drag on for months. Everyone sees what your parents owned and what you are about to receive.
Unnecessary Taxes: Without proper planning, the government takes far more than necessary—sometimes tens of thousands of dollars in estate taxes that could have been avoided.
Medical Decision Chaos: If your parents can't make medical decisions and there's no directive in place, the family might end up in court, or worse, making decisions without clear guidance about what your parents actually wanted.
Financial Incapacity Disaster: If both parents become incapacitated and there's no power of attorney, you need a court order to pay their bills. That means delay and expense.
Unprotected Inheritances: Without proper trust language, money left to your kids could be lost in their divorce, taken by their creditors, or squandered.
Long-Term Care Wipeout: Without elder law planning, a health crisis that requires assisted living or nursing home care can destroy decades of savings and force the family to lose the family home.
Family Conflict: When there's no clear plan in place, family members disagree about what to do. Resentment builds. Relationships break.
How to Start the Conversation With Your Parents
You're probably thinking, "This is great information, but how do I actually talk to my parents about this without offending them or making them uncomfortable?"
Here's an approach that we’ve seen work for many of our clients:
Frame it as helping them, not judging them. Say something like: "Mom and Dad, I've been thinking about our family, and I want to make sure I know how to help if something happens. Can we talk about your planning? I'm not trying to pry into your business—I just want to know where to find things and what your wishes are if I need to step in.”
Start small. Don't try to have the whole conversation at once. Ask one or two questions, then let it sit. Come back to it in a week.
Lead with your own concerns. "I realize I don't have my own affairs in order, and it made me think about yours. Can we work on this together?"
Suggest they talk to a professional. Sometimes parents are more comfortable having these conversations with an attorney than with their kids. That's fine. The important thing is that the conversation happens.
Get it in writing. Once your parents have a plan, have them document where everything is. It doesn't have to be fancy—a simple list in a safe place is better than nothing.
The Most Important Thing You Can Do This Week
You don't need to fix everything today. But here's what you can do:
Call your parents and ask one simple question: "Do you have an estate plan and documents in place?" Listen to their answer. If it's "yes," ask when it was done and where the documents are. If it's "no," that's your signal that it's time to take action.
Then, consider whether your parents might benefit from not just estate planning, but elder law planning to protect them from long-term care costs.
Ready to Protect Your Parents' Future?
At Roulet Law Firm, P.A., we've spent nearly 30 years helping families in Minnesota and Florida protect their parents' homes, savings, and legacy. We specialize in both comprehensive estate planning AND elder law protection from long-term care costs.
Whether your parents need a complete plan from scratch or an update to outdated documents, we can help. And we can do it with the personal attention of a smaller firm combined with the expertise usually found only at large law firms.
Call us today to schedule your consultation at either (941) 909-4644 for our Florida office or at (763) 420-5087 for our Minnetonka, Minnesota office. Or you can fill out the contact form on this page and a member of our team will reach out to you to schedule your consultation.
Would you like to discover more ways to protect your home and life savings?
Attend Our Masterclass
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Download Our Free Guide: "Save Our Home: How to Protect Your Home and Life Savings From Long-Term Care and Nursing Home Costs"
In it, you’ll discover the little-known strategies that help families preserve their home and savings even if one or both parents need years of nursing home or assisted living care. This guide reveals exactly what Medicare won't tell you and how you can protect what matters most. Click here to download your copy.
Attend Our Masterclass
Join us for an exclusive masterclass where you'll discover how to protect your home and life savings from long-term care and nursing home costs. You'll learn what most attorneys won't tell you about protecting your legacy. Click here to sign up.
